Jordan Moore

I returned to meditation practice this morning for the first time in a long time. I felt that I’d be more experienced, know to expect a rough start and not to chase foolish goals. The mind chatter was much louder and more ridiculous than I anticipated. Here is a log of probably what is a small percentage of thoughts that appeared during the session.

I used Kevin Rose’s Oak Meditation app for the first time. I’ve had it on my iPhone homescreen for a quite a while as a visual reminder to return to the practice.

  • Thought about past failures with meditation and my shallow breathing making it difficult to pick a point to focus on
  • Thought about whether the narrator was human or synthesised voice
  • Concluded he’s human
  • Thought about whether he is getting paid for this or whether he’s doing it out of the kindness of his heart
  • Concluded he’s probably kind
  • Thought about a focus point of the breath again. My nose seems to work
  • Thought about how taking deeper breaths would work, but would be forced and the forcing of those breaths would cause light-headedness and would be a distraction in themselves
  • Thought about failing because of busy thoughts, corrected this thought with Dan Harris’ “bicep curl for the brain” quote.
  • Thought about trying not to think about those things and return to the breath
  • Thought about how I can’t seem to keep a clear mind for one iteration of in-pause-out
  • Thought about how I would know if I did
  • Congratulated myself for getting to 3 iterations undistracted
  • Told myself off for congratulating myself as that was a distraction from the breath
  • Thought about yesterday’s meetings
  • Thought about today’s to do list
  • Decided that can wait
  • Congratulated myself for deciding they could wait
  • Decided to stop congratulating myself and return to the breath
  • Thought about silence for 3-4 iterations of the breath
  • Was thinking about silence a thought in itself?
  • Focused intensely on the breath
  • Thought about the words “This is all there is” that manifested from nowhere
  • Thought about where it came from.
  • Thought it was cool and that I should probably Tweet about that
  • No. Return to the breath
  • Congratulated myself for not pursuing enlightenment
  • Decided to stop congratulating myself and return to the breath
  • Would enlightenment be like a natural DMT trip? Or at least what my impression of what that looks like?
  • Thought about how that might be true and how that might have shaped ancient cultures
  • Thought about the breath
  • Thought about the instructor’s words to “Relax and let the mind wander”… or did he mean “wonder?”
  • Thought about observing myself from the outside
  • Thought about where the mind sits
  • Thought about how this session has been a disaster
  • Thought about how long was left
  • Thought about how it’s all a learning experience and how I couldn’t even switch those thoughts off
  • Thought about “This is all there is” again and quickly decided this was a low point rather than some sort of miniature enlightenment
  • Thought about returning to the breath
  • Thought about what might happen if I return to the breath successfully and actually manage to hold it and then the session ends
  • Thought about how I wanted the session to be a few minutes longer
  • Thought about the room, my surroundings, my to-do list

End of session.